Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Meeting at Fort Rosecrans
I went to Fort Rosecrans to visit my Uncle John's memorial site on May 13th. When I arrived the sky was bright with just a few clouds. I put on Sarah's sunglasses and walked to the far north side of the wall at the very end of the cemetary. It had a bench and a fence overlooking Shelter Island, Coronado, and downtown San Diego.To my back was a magnificent tree. It stood over 30 feet tall. The sun was directly above it. I took a few pictures trying to capture the light from my perspective.
I hadn't been to the cemetery since last June. I looked all over but couldn't find my uncle. There was another man further up the path. He was the only person in sight. I walked towards him very slowly all the while looking for my Uncle and a family friend, who was located near him.
Once I reached the gentleman we stood and regarded the wall together. He was in a spot where the wall remained blank. There were only plastic tags with the names of people who were to be memorialized, stones awaiting their engravings.
We spoke for a while and he told me his story. He lost his wife 2 months ago. They hadn't put up her plaque yet. When we made our introductions he told me his name was Fernando. All the while, I felt there was a connection, but couldn’t explain it.
He had an accent and told me about the ‘old country.’ I asked him where he was from and he said Portugal. “My uncle was Portuguese,” I remarked.
After a moment he asked me who I was there to see. I told him my Uncle's name and that I hadn't been able to find him.
He stood holding his chest. “I’m his cousin!” I didn’t know whether to believe him or not, but then it became clear that he was telling the truth. He knew specifics and named family members. Both of us could feel the energy prickle up on our skin.
He walked along the wall with me saying that he had been looking for John’s memorial, but couldn’t find it either. We were about to depart to my car so I could give him my card. At that very moment we spotted his cousin and my uncle.
Fernando and I both touched John’s plaque and gave our regards. I felt a calm and beautiful peace flow through my body. It was a strong and deep connection. Fernando was also present John's funeral last year with his wife. My aunt had given them a special seat.
Fernando e-mailed me that evening and told me of another synchronicity. May 13th was his anniversary with his wife. He had forgotten. I looked back in my journal afterwards and discovered that John’s funeral was on May 14th.
As I left, Fernando said one last thing to me. “You must be the angel I was meant to meet.”
“Were you told you were meant to meet an angel today?” I asked quizzically.
“No. I just believe that they’re always around us,” he smiled.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monologue ~ The Acting Final
Today's the day! It's my acting class final at UCSD. I'm performing 'If I Lived to be 100'. This was made possible by the graciousness of AJ and our acting professor who allowed me to bend the rules and chose a monologue that is not part of a published play ... well... not as of YET that is ;)
I asked AJ if she would share it with me, and she gave it some good thought. In the end, she trusted me to fly solo and do Sarah's piece justice. Tonight, I hope to capture her voice (although I've never heard it) and her vibrant spirit.
Last night as AJ and I were practicing our monologues, she gave me some very good advice and that was to do it with a smile.
"That's Sarah. She was just positive, positive, positive. Always positive."
So tonight, I'm planning to record a video and hopefully learn (once and for all) how to post videos to YouTube and embed them in this blog. If not.. please hound me in the comment section ;)
I asked AJ if she would share it with me, and she gave it some good thought. In the end, she trusted me to fly solo and do Sarah's piece justice. Tonight, I hope to capture her voice (although I've never heard it) and her vibrant spirit.
Last night as AJ and I were practicing our monologues, she gave me some very good advice and that was to do it with a smile.
"That's Sarah. She was just positive, positive, positive. Always positive."
So tonight, I'm planning to record a video and hopefully learn (once and for all) how to post videos to YouTube and embed them in this blog. If not.. please hound me in the comment section ;)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I Dream a Dream
Last night I dreamt that I was back at my old high school about to graduate. I had received a letter from them expressing that they'd like me to participate in their talent show to accompany the graduation ceremony and sing a song... a duet actually. Marissa popped into my brain. She and I could sing The Rose by Bette Midler.
Sunday night, I had heard this song on the radio on the way home from saying goodbye to her one last time. It was more perfect, and more in tune with my soul than any other song could be. I cried, and cried, and just let the tears flow.
In the dream I knew it would be difficult to sing in front of all of those people. Our voices would crack, and we were both crying just practicing it. I wanted to pick something else, I didn't want people to see me break down. It would be too hard.
Tonight watched the final minutes of Glee. One of the last songs was a duet. I Dreamed a Dream. It was one of Sarah's favorites. She had sung it several times, and there is a recording of her singing it with such vigor and strength even though she was near the end of her life. In that same recording, she read If I Could Live to be 100. I haven't heard it yet, but I know it will be something that will change the way I see this blog, and perhaps my own life for that matter.
This inspired me to think about duets. In acting class, our final is to perform a monologue. I chose Sarah's very own piece. I'd like AJ do the monologue with me. It's too long for one person, but if we share it and do it as a duet, we won't have to cut any of the meaningful words that Sarah lovingly left for us... her soul sisters.
Sunday night, I had heard this song on the radio on the way home from saying goodbye to her one last time. It was more perfect, and more in tune with my soul than any other song could be. I cried, and cried, and just let the tears flow.
In the dream I knew it would be difficult to sing in front of all of those people. Our voices would crack, and we were both crying just practicing it. I wanted to pick something else, I didn't want people to see me break down. It would be too hard.
Tonight watched the final minutes of Glee. One of the last songs was a duet. I Dreamed a Dream. It was one of Sarah's favorites. She had sung it several times, and there is a recording of her singing it with such vigor and strength even though she was near the end of her life. In that same recording, she read If I Could Live to be 100. I haven't heard it yet, but I know it will be something that will change the way I see this blog, and perhaps my own life for that matter.
This inspired me to think about duets. In acting class, our final is to perform a monologue. I chose Sarah's very own piece. I'd like AJ do the monologue with me. It's too long for one person, but if we share it and do it as a duet, we won't have to cut any of the meaningful words that Sarah lovingly left for us... her soul sisters.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Peace Out
My buddy Marissa is leavening for the Peace Corps in T - one week. She and I have been friends for nearly 8 years and it's like loosing a sister, a soul sister. I feel momentum building up like a pressure cooker. There are so many things that she's experiencing emotionally all at one time. Saying goodbye, tying up loose ends, selling her car, giving away clothing and non-essentials.
I think of all the things she has to let go of, and mirror that to my own life. What can I let go of? What's been holding me back and loading me down? Change is coming, whether we like it or not, but being light and divesting ourselves of those heavy feelings and things can make the transition a little less painful.
Last night, I held a party in her honor. It felt good to gather with all of our friends, have a big buffet, and share our mutual pain of missing a beloved friend while celebrating her at the same time. She and Star came over early to work on the decor, but around 3:30 I got a call from my Grandma that sent me into a tailspin.
She was violently ill. I dropped everything and rushed to her appartment. Nothing would stay down and her body shook with every breath. It lasted for nearly 45 minutes, and that was only when I was there. It must have stated at least a half hour prior. She's 90 and I know that my time with her is limited. When I got home I had dishes to wash, crepes to cook, and a shower to take. I broke down over the sink and allowed myself to let go and do a massive 'ugly cry' (as Oprah would say). I wiped my tears and runny nose and just kept on scrubbing.
After that I tried despirately to compartmentalized the rest of the time I had. People were arriving at 7 and it was now 5:45pm. I told myself - Shower first, then crepes. The best decision I made all evening. By the time I popped out of the bath, an angel had come to my rescue. At first I thought I may have an intruder. As I heard the backyard gate unhinged I waited in my towel, still wet, with heavy breath.
It was my friend who had promised to come over after work. I am so glad your here! I hugged her (more like collapsed on top of her) and kissed her on the cheek. She listened to my predicament while we prioritized the tasks left. She firmly told me to stay seated on the couch and drink some water for a few moments while she worked in the kitchen. Annie, I'm here... just take a breather. She repeated this mantra until I finally sat still and obeyed the wise woman.
She helped cook, clean, and stayed after everyone had left to share a glass of wine and a job well done. She even took me for a walk in the middle of the festivities. She is my angel and there were so many other friend angels that helped as well. If it wasn't for them, I never would have made it through that night in one piece or without another breakdown over the sink.
I think of all the things she has to let go of, and mirror that to my own life. What can I let go of? What's been holding me back and loading me down? Change is coming, whether we like it or not, but being light and divesting ourselves of those heavy feelings and things can make the transition a little less painful.
Last night, I held a party in her honor. It felt good to gather with all of our friends, have a big buffet, and share our mutual pain of missing a beloved friend while celebrating her at the same time. She and Star came over early to work on the decor, but around 3:30 I got a call from my Grandma that sent me into a tailspin.
She was violently ill. I dropped everything and rushed to her appartment. Nothing would stay down and her body shook with every breath. It lasted for nearly 45 minutes, and that was only when I was there. It must have stated at least a half hour prior. She's 90 and I know that my time with her is limited. When I got home I had dishes to wash, crepes to cook, and a shower to take. I broke down over the sink and allowed myself to let go and do a massive 'ugly cry' (as Oprah would say). I wiped my tears and runny nose and just kept on scrubbing.
After that I tried despirately to compartmentalized the rest of the time I had. People were arriving at 7 and it was now 5:45pm. I told myself - Shower first, then crepes. The best decision I made all evening. By the time I popped out of the bath, an angel had come to my rescue. At first I thought I may have an intruder. As I heard the backyard gate unhinged I waited in my towel, still wet, with heavy breath.
It was my friend who had promised to come over after work. I am so glad your here! I hugged her (more like collapsed on top of her) and kissed her on the cheek. She listened to my predicament while we prioritized the tasks left. She firmly told me to stay seated on the couch and drink some water for a few moments while she worked in the kitchen. Annie, I'm here... just take a breather. She repeated this mantra until I finally sat still and obeyed the wise woman.
She helped cook, clean, and stayed after everyone had left to share a glass of wine and a job well done. She even took me for a walk in the middle of the festivities. She is my angel and there were so many other friend angels that helped as well. If it wasn't for them, I never would have made it through that night in one piece or without another breakdown over the sink.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Jade Buddha
The whole thought around it made me curious and I thought it would be an excellent outing for Sarah and I.
While there, I visited the other statues on the grounds before reaching the magnificent Buddha. I could see him situated regally beneath a red pagoda. The color was so dark that it looked almost black. The golden head shined brightly with a halo disk beaming behind it.
I gathered with the crowed in front of it while an announcer led the prayers in Vietnamese and Chinese. Towards the end, I recognized one word, 'sun'. Not because I can translate, but because they were actually saying 'sun' over and over again.
Just off to the west the sun was shining brightly between the trees. One woman next to me was kind enough to translate the rest. "Look, look. The sun. See how it is green in the center?"
I shook my head. I didn't see the green center, nor did I care to lie. She persisted by pointing and repeating. "See here. Look here." She moved me in front of her so that I could see from her perspective. Just then, I saw it. The green center, a yellow halo, and many colors radiating outwards. The sun was pulsating.
"It's a miracle... a very very good sign!" She told me emphatically.
"We could all use one," I replied.
We stared for what felt like a half hour, but was only just a few minutes. It dawned on me that I should take a picture... wait no... a video. My phone could record and so could my digi-cam. As of right now, I haven't uploaded it to YouTube, but I plan to do that in the next few days so I can share what my friend, Star, titles The Miracle of the Sun.
... And at last I learned how upload videos to the wonderful world of YouTube. Enjoy! (5/27/10)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Great Dane
Two days after posting Sarah's beautiful piece, I found out there was a synchronicity. AJ informed me on our way to acting class that she passed away on April 24, 2009. Just before that entry, I mentioned chrysanthemums as the flower I associate with Sarah. After making that statement, I had been inundated with them. Depicted on my shirts, the tea I drank at Saffron (quite tasty), on a sake pot I have in my front room, and in centerpieces at the Japanese Friendship Garden tea they were holding for members and guests. I realized that she wanted to share and now was the time.
Today I went to a friend's BBQ. I took Sarah's fab glasses as it's the first day of May and a happily sunny day. It was ama-Zing (my grandpa's word for something quite phenomenal originating from a book that I wrote when I was 5 when I accidentally capitalized the Z). My friend's husband is a chef and has other friends with excellent cooking skills. We gorged on Diablo Shrimp, ginger salmon, wilted spinach salad with chili-garlic sauce, turkey burgers, and ribs. Halleluia it was so yummy!!!
I thought of Sarah's last statements in her piece. Just that she loved time with her friend and family. It was all about gathering for the sake of being together ... and eating. I like the eating part because it seals the bond. You just enjoy everything better when there's food involved. Food, conversation, laughter, friends.
There's this word in Danish (pause while I dust off my Global marketing book) hyggeligt ~ which means a "social situation [that is] comfortable, cozy, and intimate." (Understanding Global Cultures by Martin J. Gannon) This is the lifeblood of my social experiences. That's what I aim for and it totally makes sense since I'm a quarter Danish.
My grandma, Lulu (on my mom's side) was a great Dane. I celebrated her just last week by getting a pedicure at Lulu's in South Park. Interestingly enough, one my grandma's ways of creating hyggeligt was to give her grandchildren foot rubs. One day, there was all 7 of us kids spending the night. She filled a large, metal salad bowl full of water and soap. She lined us up. One would be at the soaking station while the other would have their feet in her lap while she lovingly rubbed them with a Costco-sized container of Vaseline lotion. All the while, she'd be solving Wheel of Fortune puzzles or proclaiming the answers to a Jeopardy question. "What is the Hindu Kush? Alex, I'd take 'Topsy Turvy' for $500 please."
Today I went to a friend's BBQ. I took Sarah's fab glasses as it's the first day of May and a happily sunny day. It was ama-Zing (my grandpa's word for something quite phenomenal originating from a book that I wrote when I was 5 when I accidentally capitalized the Z). My friend's husband is a chef and has other friends with excellent cooking skills. We gorged on Diablo Shrimp, ginger salmon, wilted spinach salad with chili-garlic sauce, turkey burgers, and ribs. Halleluia it was so yummy!!!
I thought of Sarah's last statements in her piece. Just that she loved time with her friend and family. It was all about gathering for the sake of being together ... and eating. I like the eating part because it seals the bond. You just enjoy everything better when there's food involved. Food, conversation, laughter, friends.
There's this word in Danish (pause while I dust off my Global marketing book) hyggeligt ~ which means a "social situation [that is] comfortable, cozy, and intimate." (Understanding Global Cultures by Martin J. Gannon) This is the lifeblood of my social experiences. That's what I aim for and it totally makes sense since I'm a quarter Danish.
My grandma, Lulu (on my mom's side) was a great Dane. I celebrated her just last week by getting a pedicure at Lulu's in South Park. Interestingly enough, one my grandma's ways of creating hyggeligt was to give her grandchildren foot rubs. One day, there was all 7 of us kids spending the night. She filled a large, metal salad bowl full of water and soap. She lined us up. One would be at the soaking station while the other would have their feet in her lap while she lovingly rubbed them with a Costco-sized container of Vaseline lotion. All the while, she'd be solving Wheel of Fortune puzzles or proclaiming the answers to a Jeopardy question. "What is the Hindu Kush? Alex, I'd take 'Topsy Turvy' for $500 please."
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