My first visit to the SRF Gardens

A week after the dream, I went to the Self-Realization gardens in Encinitas by recommendation of my roomie at the time. She knew I'd be into it. If you haven't been it's worth a trip because it will knock your socks off! So beautiful, serene, and magical.

I knew something was up the moment I arrived. I got this tingling sensation in my legs. My first stop was at the top of the stairs where you are standing on a path that divides left and right. I went right. It was mid-March and the plants were blooming and looking oh-so-happy.

There's a sandy pathway that opens to vista overlooking swami beach and the ocean. There were surfers wearing black wetsuits. So I'm on a cliff, there's the ocean and the surfers that look like little ants. So where's my fish? I kept looking around expectantly, but knew it was dumb to think that a giant monster-fish would appear from the depths of the sea.

It was just a dream. It was just a dream. I repeated this mantra for a little while, but something inside urged me not to give up so quickly.

After a walk back in the opposite direction I came across a small pond with a bubbling spring in the center. There, amongst the lily pads were three koi fish. One was dark orange, another I think was white, red and black. The third was the biggest and brightest. He was golden-yellow. The exact color of the fish in my dream. His scales were huge and very defined.

                                                                         Oh there's my fish!

I knew in that exact moment that I had experienced something very special. I read Yogananda's Autobiography of a Yogi, and frequented the gardens whenever I could. It wasn't until three years later that I committed to my first retreat at the center.

Golden Fish Dream

Yet another beautiful day in San Diego. Called my sister from Coronado beach yesterday to rub it in... she lives in New York and it's been a crappy, cold weekend. Sorry LJ!

Today my lovely friend modeled the sumi-T (I word I made up that's short for sumi-e T-shirt) I painted for the student exhibition we had this weekend. It's a white shirt with blue waves that look like clouds and a large, golden coy fish jumping upwards. The design was inspired from a dream I had three years ago.

I was standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It was around sunset. There were surfers out in the water. They looked small, like little ants from where I was standing. Suddenly, someone started yelling "SHARK! SHARK!" I could see a large fin come up. My heart started pounding, and I knew there was nothing I could do.

Instead of a shark, a big fish appeared. It opened its mouth wide and gobbled up some of the surfers. It went back below and then its back came to the surface. The rest of the surfers were caught in between its giant golden yellow scales. I was in awe. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time.

The fish leapt straight into the air and did a big spin at the top. It turned around and then dove into the water with such force and that it created a massive vortex. I went to a friends house to turn on the TV and see what the news was reporting. They said that there was a hurricane off the coast of San Diego. All of us who witnessed it knew there was something very powerful and important going on, and that the media was trying to cover it up.

This wasn't an ordinary dream, but it wasn't until a week later that I knew for sure.

What Miracles May Come

Tonight is round 2 of Shaman Meditation. Hope it's as good as the last infusion. My week has been quite interesting with a tour of the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine (may attend this fall), a lovely PartyLite party (redundant? Sure, but that's what it was) thrown by a neighbor of mine, and meeting a fabulous man in Target who color-matched my blotchy skin for me!

Miracles abound for sure. Don't think so? I made my first Sumi-e T-shirt that 's going in our student fashion show this weekend in Balboa Park. My mom thought it was so great she wants to wear it in public. Thanks mom ;o) I told her she can tell people that her 'kid' made it and neglect to metion that her kid is 28-years-old.

Oh and did I mention my the mediterranian cruise I just booked with my sister and friends this week!? !

Yes! What started as a plan for Greece in 2010 after an increadible trip to Seattle and Vancouver back '07... suddenly turned into a 12 day cruise starting in Venice and touring other cities in Italy, Greece, Turkey, and ending in Barcelona, Spain. Luckily, I have a good friend in Turkey who may be able to meet up with us in Istanbul. Fingers totally crossed to the max!

Jammin caterpillars

The morning after the meditation, I went for a hike with another friend. Note: He was not present at the meditation. I didn’t tell him a thing about it because he already gets on me for being such a hippie. Anywho, he told me not to bring my normal stuff... vest, snacks, you name it.

I have the habit of bringing everything including the kitchen sink. On top of that, I'll stop and ask if anyone needs water, a food, whatever. I've been told several times from more than one person that I'm like a Jewish Grandma in that respect. (That and I love my coupons, but that might be the Danish in me)

One thing I did take with me was Sarah's glasses. We hiked 5 miles in Mission Trails and it was the most beautiful Saturday afternoon you could ever dream of. Clear sky, slight breeze, and tons of birds chirping and butterflies fluttering about.

On the way there several caterpillars came jamming across the blacktop. They were scooting along so fast you’d think it was going out of style. One of them got turned ‘round and so I grabbed a leaf, picked him up, and put him in the bushes. My friend admonished me.

McLovin! (His nickname for me.) What are you doing!?

I explained that I was saving this poor fuzzy bug from being trampled on.

Birds gotta eat too! Just think about the little babbies back in the nest. They'll go hungry if they don't get that fat little caterpillar. Let’s keep movin’.

Little statement… big impact. Keeping in mind the lesson I had learned the night before, I was more aware of my behavior that day. Maybe a disoriented catterpilar would make a better lunch than butterfly. I could just see him flipping about aimlessly and ending up as a spider's lunch instead.

The other caterpillars were left alone, the large snake in the road wasn't even a temptation to mess with (nor would it ever be), and even though I was getting thirsty... my friend loveling dumped OUT the rest of the water bottle so it wouldn't be sloshing around as we ran the last legs back to the car. Damn... no excuses to stop and take a break.

We later witnessed over-responsibility in action. A hiker had injured themselves up on the hill. The San Diego rescue committee sent a helicopter, 3 fire engines, a cop or two, and of course, the rangers. I thought this person must have suffered a serious trauma. Not the case. The Sunday paper reported that the hiker had merely broken their ankle.

In my own way, if there's a friend in need, I do similar things: stop what I'm doing, dash to the nearest telephone booth, put on my Super-woman cape, rush to their aid carrying a first aid kit, chocolate, a rom-com, bottle of wine, kleenex, and Thai take-out. Turns out all they needed was someone to vent to over the phone about their crummy day, stupid boyfriend, over-protective parents, and their ill-mannered boss who has no bloody clue how to do business.

Next time, I'll leave the copter and cape at home.

Robber of Responsiblity

Last Friday my friend had a meditation at her house. It was led by a friend of hers who is a Shaman. I don't know exactly how you become a Shaman, but I read a book about it once. It said that it's usually passed down through the family, and in other cases, the spirits seek you out. Wonder what that would be like? Kinda freaky I'm sure.

Maybe they're kind spirits with little Brit accents that say "Oh, ahem... pardon me little human, but we were wondering if we spirits might impose upon you for just a moment and inform you of the fact that you have a deep connection to our realm and perhaps you might want to consider being a Shaman. Just throwing that out there. Ok give us a buzz when you wanna pop 'round. Toodles!"

To each of the individuals participating in the meditation, he gave us a bit of take home advice. Here's what he said to me:

"You feel responsible for others and have a habit of taking that on. Remember that they have their own issues and lessons to learn, and by assuming their responsibility, you rob them of learning these lessons."

Wow! Never knew I was such a robber. The Shaman told us all to keep an eye out for changes that occur in the next week. It really lifted a weight from my shoulders. All this time I thought this was my purpose in life. I'm so glad that it's not. I'm happy that people can fight their own fights and that their meant to. Yes we can help each other, and that's a part of the beauty of life. But the most important point is to remember own responsibility to ourselves.

As one of the sweetest and most childlike Yogi's in the film documentary, 'Enlighten Up', once said:

You are the most important person under the sun! Or to use my word...you are the most 'important-est' person under the sun!

Namaste!

Words from Sarah

I signed up for a writing class, and I was oh so ready. I printed out excerpts of my writing called ‘Skittles’. Their short stories that I do to keep the writer in me in flow. I also brought the beginning of ‘Through Sarah’s Eyes’ and her famous glasses. To my dismay, when I arrived in the downtown loft, it was closed.. There was an e-mail that read ‘Class cancelled due to low registration.’

Dang it! I really wanted to take this class. I would have pulled in someone off the street and paid for them if it meant I could take it. It crossed my mind to call AJ. Thank God she picked up! She was doing laundry and getting ready for her work week. She graciously invited me over and said she wanted to hear my writing.

When I got there, I sat down at a table near the kitchen and we checked it. It wasn’t moments before she was asking to hear what I had brought. I shook. My voice wavered and I didn’t know to do. I thought we’d shoot the shit a little longer than that. Wow, ok let’s jet to the point! Then entire way over to her house I was debating sharing the story on Sarah. Was it appropriate, would she be ok with it, is it too soon? I also knew that I couldn’t continue like this unless I had her blessing and Sarah’s for that matter. I needed some sort of confirmation.

Flustered, I sorted through my papers and put ‘Through Sarah’s Eyes’ at the bottom. I read each of my ‘Skittles’ aloud. She laughed, gasped, commented, nodded, and mhmmed. That was all very reassuring. AJ mentioned that she’d like to write, but it was difficult for her because she became over critical at times. Like, where does the comma go? Does that need a period or can I go on? I told her that it’s best to write like no one is reading. (Similar to dance like no one is watching… I suppose) Ok I was getting comfortable now and growing more at ease. That was until I reached the last page.

I realized at that moment she may have seen the title already and it was too late to turn back. There was also a sense of ‘meant to be’. Ok people, I don’t like saying it out loud or writing it because it reveals the hippie in me, but yes, for the record, I do believe that some things are meant to be.

So there I was, about to bear my soul again, but this time it was personal to her as well. The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. She did, but happily, they were tears of joy. I read the excerpt from the walk in Balboa Park. AJ nodded in parts, laughed in others, and there were tears throughout. Before I read the piece, I told her what it was about and why I chose this topic. Now that I look back, I don’t think I really chose it. Perhaps it was simply meant to be. I’d also like to think that Sarah wanted this. One thing I’d really like is to get to know her a little better.

Without giving everything away about her, since that is part of the experience of writing this story, AJ asked if I would like to hear her last facebook post. I was tentative, but I wanted to know something more about her. Who she was, what she thought, just a little peak into her life. Yes, ok, yes I would love to hear what she wrote.

I got comfortable on the floor while AJ quickly pulled up the page and began to read.

“By the way,” she said “Sarah spells her name with an ‘H’. She was very adamant about her name and wanted people to know ‘that’s Sarah… with an ‘H’!”

Oh good, I got it right. At first when I went to write, I tried all the different spellings I could come up with: Sara, Serra, Sera, Sarah. Sarah, with an ‘H’, was my intuitive guess, but then I liked the other spellings and went with Sara (sans H). At last, I knew it wasn’t meant to be, and I had to go with Sarah (with the H) because… well it is her name, and I somehow just knew it.

Without further ado… here is Sarah’s final facebook post:

We are never all that we can be, only the hope of emulating the person we think we are in the inside. And yet everyday, we live and breathe, and we form relationships with others that are mirrors to our souls. Some people bring out in us the qualities that we cherish in ourselves and in others: kindness, love, patience, generosity, honesty, joy. Other people mirror things we do not necessarily want to see… and yet all of it is true… we are one in our lightness and in our darkness.


So, when I say “I love you” I am loving the part of me that resonates with you… the hope of who I am in your eyes.

The other lessons are not as enjoyable…the experiences that we have with people that reveal our weaknesses, our insecurities and faults. And yet, these are the people that help me to love myself even more, in my brokenness and imperfections.

Today, I am humbled by the people that I have the privilege of knowing, all in different ways, on different levels.


To be continued....

Hey Soul Sista!

One day, not too long ago, I was cleaning out my closet. It's a walk-in (when clean), but hadn't been one since I had so much junk clogging the floor, shelves, and drawers. It was time for a makeover. I made such a mess trying to clear it out! You know how it goes... it'll get worse before it gets better.

Stuff went on the bed, in the trash, and in every corner of my room. To get me in the mood, I put on this song by Train. Hey Soul Sister. Recently, it became my theme song for this blog. I thought of AJ and how she called Sarah her soul sister. I thought about cleaning as a metaphor for life and our souls. The crap we try to fill it with and cling onto. The mess we ignore on a daily basis...the mess I had ignored since way before Christmas.

It's hard enough cleaning your own closet. It's even harder when it's someone you loved.

I thought about Sarah's closet. What did her loved ones do? I thought about the tears, laughs, memories, and the part when you lay down on the floor... not wanting to go through andymore stuff or pain. What did they save, throw away, and pass on? I thought about her glasses and how they came to me.

My mom cleaned her mother's closet after she passed. I think my aunt helped her. I wasn't there, but I know it was hard. Perhaps one of the hardest things she's ever done. She kept one of Grandma's sweaters. It still had the rubber bands around the cuffs she used to keep them from sliding. Grandma had this perfume she wore, Tabu. Whenever I smell it I can see her curly hair and hear her call me Sweetie Patoot. I can see her beautiful, small hands cut open a little vitamin-e capsule and put it on my skinned knee with a band-aid. She always had a way of saving the day and caring for each of her grandchildren.

AJ shares this theme song with me. I hope we create an amazing soundtrack together.




This song is for all my soul sisters out there... you know who you are :o)

I love you all!!!

Happy Bithday Mom!

Today is my Mom's birthday. I baked her a lemon cake, Ina Garten's recipe. It called for a full 1/3 cup of lemon zest. Anyone who's ever zested a lemon (or any citrus for that matter) knows just how much comes off the fruit... not a whole lot. About 4 healthy sized lemons and I was just about there.

This was my first time baking it and decided a bunt pan would make the cake look fabulous! Well... I underestimated the amount of greasing goes into it. The lemon cake stuck. I mean the whole top came off! It was like I'd scalped the thing.

Anywho, I made some lovely icing and chopped up a few strawberries. Badda-bing and you've got a semi-fresh looking cake. Luckily, it tasted better than I had expected.

I wonder if Sarah had any baking blunders...