When hope dies...

Have you ever hoped so high to the sky that when it doesn't happen.... it was the hope that died inside of you that hurt the most.

When my hope dies, it burns. It's like a Phoenix... it must die so that it is reborn anew from the ashes. Sometimes I can feel the walls tumbling and crashing down, I get angry, moody, and I cry. I often say mean things to myself , "You're so silly to believe in something so strongly. Why would you set yourself up for failure like that? Just wide open for disappointment."

I can't do this to myself right now. It hurts to much. Hurt on top of hurt. Too much hurt. I read this quote today: If Plan A didn't work out, don't worry... God has plenty of Plan Bs. I'll take a B right about now, if you please.

I love to hope, it's one of my favorite pastimes. The perpetual optimist... that's me! Oy... I can just feel the self-pity kick in. That's only good for so long, then it takes its tole. Medicine, that's what this calls for. Not the pill form, but the kind that comes from knowing yourself and your own strength. Not matter what happens, no matter how hard you get knocked down, there's always another way. There's always something better and had this particular thing happened, you wouldn't be able to receive it.

There's the birth right there. Here's to hoping :)

Party for Peace

Last week I was up in Encinitas for some meetings. I've been working on the Kids for Peace 5 Year Anniversary Celebration for the last few months with my fellow board members and we're less than 2 weeks away. We've been talking about it, planning, compromising, voting, designing, marketing, asking for donations, making baskets, and creating art for this one special night.

Pause for Peace Party Promo :)
http://www.kidsforpeaceglobal.org/5anniversary.html

As the Event Chair, I have quite a load of responsibility. There have been nights of complete anxiety, and others that are almost blissful. As I'm coming to these final days, I can feel myself losing steam. At one point, I told my mom 'I can't wait until this is all over'. My mom is an amazing event planner, decorator, and all purpose Martha Stewart. She agreed that yes, she has felt that way many times and it's a mistake. 'I often find myself looking to the day after for relief... and forgetting to enjoy all of the moments leading up to it, including the night itself.' 

What sage advice. Mothers simply have that way, don't they? They completely understand, and then lovingly show you the error of your ways...

In that moment, I relaxed. That was over a month ago, and now I'm find myself looking once again to the day after. If it's relief I need, I can find it in knowing I have 11 days and 18.5 hours left ~ OR I can choose to enjoy every single day as a heartbeat closer to this beautiful event that will help plant seeds of peace within my hometown of San Diego. It is my hope that one day soon ~ they will carry across the globe to those other Kids for Peace waiting for a chapter to be born in their hometown.

Luckily... Encitinitas is one of my favorite places in San Diego. Before my meetings, I walked the Self-Realization Gardens for clarity and after my duties were done I watched the sunset at the J Street overlook (one of the best hideouts ever). It reminds when I feel anxious and controlling to realize that some things naturally take their own time. I reasure myself that you can't rush a sunset.

Here is the video I took to share with you.

'And now ~ for your moment of zen...'

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter one and all! This morning I woke up not-so-early and rushed to Chemple (my combo word meaning Church and Temple) for the Easter sermon. I was half an hour early. What!?! As most of you have already discovered I typically run 5-15 min late. Anywho... I skipped my shower today and then when I got home my parents were in a rush to get to my Aunt's house. Have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling? Well I did for sure!!! Good thing my family doesn't judge (or doesn't let me know that they do), and the ponytail can work magic for hiding greasy hair. Ewwww :(

  I'm embarking on year 30 and guess what... I still hunt Easter eggs. Proudly I might add, and so did my cousin in Texas, and some of my dear friends above the 3 decade mark. It's all good, but I missed NOT being knocked around by my tenacious cousin, Kira. She makes it fun, exciting, dangerous, and extremely competitive. We missed you, love!

  After the egging, I went to visit my grandma who's now recuperating in a nursing home from a large blood clot. She doesn't like it there, and I try to get her out on the town but I can tell it's bumming her out. It's been a challenge this month emotionally just feeling for her and the worries she has about death. We've talked a lot about the Great Beyond, we've shared our personal beliefs, stories, and what we'd like to have happen after we pass. I guess it being Easter and all sorta helps segue into that topic.. what happens after death??? The answer is there right in front of our faces ~ eggs, chocolate, baskets and bunnies.

          Joking aside for the time being... and I'm gonna make a cosmic leap here... literally... but do you realize that from our perspective on earth, we are the ONLY thing we see in the NOW? Meaning, all the stars and other light that surrounds us is so far away it's time delayed.  We see into the past constantly and those same stars help us predict the future (some may say). Following that logic the past is really our future and our future is really our past.

          So my conclusion here (tying the bits and pieces together) is that death a conscious return to source: it is when you realize you are not the leaf that has fallen from the tree but part of the tree, you are not the tree but part of the earth, you are not the earth but part solar system, you are not the solar system but part of the galaxy, you are not the galaxy but part of the universe.

          For now... I'm consciously tired and ready for bed. Goodnight Neverland!

Wedding Bells & Baby Rattles




Darcy, Le, Stephanie, Lindsey, me, and Kira



Seeing things from a new perspective can be tricky. I just got a new pair of prescription glasses and going without for a while actually got me used to seeing things a la fuzzy. Now with my new UBER clear glasses things are quite sharp and CLEAR.

Lately, there has been even more changes. My cousin got married AND my sister got pregnant. Well... not in that order really ;) but it's interesting how both add another person to the family. I now have a cousin-in-law, and I'm an Aunt to be. Now that's a weekend!


I can't tell you how much I cried over the last few days... if you saw me you'd think that I was stuck in the clutches of Barbara Walters and she was digging up my childhood. It was embarrassing! Anywho.. the wedding was so beautiful that it could have been featured in Martha Stewart Living. We were in the San Diego Botanic Gardens. Although it was bloody freezing, we all managed to stay warm by dancing ferociously to Katie Perry's 'Firework' (TWICE) and 'Baby Got Back' ...a wedding must!

Special thanks to AJ for doing my beautiful make-up and hair!!! (btw.. this photo was taken post ferocious dancing).

Making Waves of Peace

In the wake of yesterday's tsunami, I feel now is an excellent time to make some waves of my own. This little planet is a body. We are simply tiny organisms that live on it, like bacteria or cells, or whatever you want to equate our species to. The more war and problems we create, the more the body becomes sick. Like when you have a cold ~ you can get fevers, chills, and the shakes ~ so does the earth.

So peace my friends, make waves of peace ... so that the earth may heal or at least take a vacation from the violence and problems we cause within this living bubble we call home. 

I am calling out to all of you from the bottom of my heart ~ DO SOMETHING, find a way, let's work together!!!! Write, make art, sing, play music, discover cures, tell the truth, meditate, look beyond the chaos of corporate crap, hug someone, love everyone. Don't forget who you really are and why you are here NOW.

At the Japanese Friendship Garden ~ making woodblock prints of 'The Great Wave off Kanagawa' by Hokusai

I dedicate this posting to all of victims of the tsunami and earthquake and I send waves of love and peace to our friends in Japan and around the world  ~ so we may never ever forget that we're all connected.

One Year ~ Through Sarah's Eyes

It has been just over one year since I've started this blog. It's a celebration and accomplishment to commit to writing something for an entire year. It was my goal, just like in Julie/Julia, to do this for a year and then see what happens next. Who knows... maybe publish a book?

Here comes the reflection part....I thought about how much I've changed, but then I realized I'm really more of myself. Gone back to my roots ~ writing, arting, playing, and enjoying my life. Mostly I've grown (actually shrunk 'cause I lost a few lbs), and now I'm on the lookout for those next lessons that life is eager to send my way. Hello delegation, self-worth, and taking it a day at a time!

I was going to write about how much I've traveled, the friends that have moved, silly Annie stuffs... but it doesn't appeal to me. Ya'll know me, have seen my facebook, and probably could go without a repeat.

What is cool about this blog is that I'm proud of it. I thought about what I set out to do... see if there is a connection between Sarah and I. The only way of really knowing that is to talk to her friends, listen to their stories and maybe compare our lives. But AJ already told me the key... we're SOUL SISTERS. She knew her very very well and of course we're connected. So why would I try to prove something that just is? Something that was already so beautifully stated. I guess I just wanted to know how.

What I do know is that we share a dream ~ to write and change the world.
  And I'm learning that I am... just by being myself ~ and that is enough.

Zen Out ~ Again

It's that time of year that I take my retreat to Encinitas. Ok, so this is only my second time doing it... but it feels like a ritual already. One of my friends told me to take a camera and record myself on the third day. That's what she did on her Indian ashram retreat on the 13th day of silence (or close to it)... and was ready to GET OUT!!!!

Later, she got very sick, could only find almonds to calm her tummy and then .... a crazy monkey stole her nuts! Isn't that always how it happens?  When you're trying to be all spiritual and holy, something wickedly stupid and funny happens. Here's hoping ;)

I leave you with a little mini-poem thingy, koan, whatever... it's a response to my friend's blog about happiness.

Happiness cannot be gained or lost.
Happiness is.
Be in the moment, be happy.
Do not think
Do not try
Look
Empty silence ~ full of hope
No need for gain, no need to lose.
It is, you are, we are
One
Love.