(Taken from my journal entry on June 11, 2011 @ 10:52pm)
Today I was thinking about anxiety and my constant association with it. I find decisions to be difficult and constantly afraid that I’ll make the ‘wrong’ one. Whatever wrong really means. I’ve been waking up at night in a state of panic that I made a wrong move or it’s too late to change the course of my life. Like I’ve somehow missed an extremely important opportunity. I don’t know where it’s coming from, and I’m completely exhausted with it.
Yesterday I went to LA to see Amma, the hugging Saint. She blessed me. Seeing her makes me happy. Writing makes me very happy. I enjoy typing and watching the words appear. Sometimes when I write a story it makes my inner world appear. The manifestation on paper…. Writing is magical. I’ve never thought of it that way before.
Writing has been something that I’ve done, but not pursued as a career. I’m afraid of it because it’s the one thing that I love so much that if it were not to work out, it would devastate me. If it did work out, then I would be undeservedly happy. After writing that, it makes me laugh. There it is… the fear of freedom. Writing sets me free. I know writing would completely set me free. I know it would take me to where I want to go. I know this so deep within my heart that it’s difficult to accept. Like the love of your life.
Writing the blog has been such a good and therapeutic element in my life, but it still gives me pause. I’ll take breaks and not write for a while, I’ll neglect it. The writing is powerful because often it comes from somewhere that’s not even me. I know it’s not because when I read it back again it feels otherworldly. There are things that I’ve written that came true that wasn’t even possible that I could know at that time. It’s a channel. It’s a channel that I am intimidated by. That I become scared of and love at the same time. It’s my connection to God. It’s meditation, peace, love, introspection…. My pure happiness. I worry that this love is all consuming. That there would be nothing left. I would just be totally engulfed by it.
As it stands, I can’t hold myself back anymore. The need is so great to write. The need for freedom is so great. Liberation, total and complete. I’m afraid that having a lover would imprison me and liberate me. I’m afraid of both you know. As most people are… that’s why we stay and remain in limbo. We’re afraid of moving forward, edging closer to reality and truth. Feel like throwing up. I wish I didn’t take myself so seriously. I wish I could just laugh and laugh at my situation. How could I be so silly. Nothing bad could happen to me. My true nature is with God always… ever new joy. And what happens when we are satisfied beyond our wildest dreams? What happens when we reach the unreachable, obtain the unobtainable, become the unfathomable? Penetrate the impenetrable? It’s just my questions. You’ll know when you get there is the answer.
